mush and stuff. normalcy. rejecting what is considered normalcy in society, which is unusual for me, to return to my personal normalcy. oh well. lololo. sometimes i am displeased and disheartened but i don’t say anything about it because i don’t want to make it weird or anything. i run my life, everyday. my own life, so why don’t i remember that? there is a great deal of tension that resides within me, festering, aching to be released into mush. that’s my brain though. sorry, self. sorry.
have so many conflicting feelings. i don’t even know what to do with them. looking upwards, i strain my eyes and try to tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites, from the passenger seat as you are driving me home. do they collide? i ask, and you smile. with my feet on the dash, the world doesn’t matter.
my whole world just hurts.
i’m staying the way i am, forever. and i’m okay with that. i love me. of course i’ll change a little, but bigger picture, i’m going to be me always. i can only watch my world around me change as a fuzzball in the corner of my eye. sometimes all i can do is see the spinning world transform into a beautiful person, without any ability to change that. as much as you wish you could change yourself, or change another person, usually that just doesn’t manage, because they’re all living in spinning worlds, too. life is spinning individually, not collectively. you’re always going to have you, and you, and you. people might join you and you, but not forever. i dream of a spinning world i can alter, but time happens. it’s just time, spinning out of my grasp, clear, invisible. i wish to grasp everything i cannot, my feelings..i don’t know what to do with them. my heart feels like it was hit by a semi-truck this week. sometimes a good semi-truck, but otherwise sometimes a difficult one. and there’s my heart, spinning separately from my brain, which is spinning quicker than ever. i can only believe that my heart is going to orbit my brain at some point, but it seems so unlikely when i can’t grasp love. i just can’t. come in my hand, let’s spin together please.
life
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